What To Do When YOu Get It Wrong

"We all make many mistakes." (James 3:2, NLT) One of the least fun aspects of being human is how often we get things wrong. We mess up both in comparatively small ways and in enormous ways. As Alexander Pope said, "To err is human." Often, when we get it wrong, sin is involved. We can hurt those closest to us, fail to live up to standards we set for ourselves, and bring reproach on the name of Christ. But what we do in the moments after getting it wrong unveils something about our character. While this is primarily written for men, the biblical principles apply in most situations. 

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1. Admit it.

When God created the universe, He gave mankind, not ten commandments, but just one command. God had given Adam and Eve every imaginable tree for them to enjoy. He just wanted them not to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil . . . . which is exactly what they did. 
God confronted them with their disobedience, and interestingly, they could not find it within themselves to own their sin, to accept personal responsibility for what they had done. Adam blamed Eve, and she blamed the serpent. (Disobedience to God brought the first marital conflicts into the world.) God already had the receipts. He already knew what they had done. As a matter of personal integrity, when you get it wrong, your first duty is to own it, to admit it.

2. Ask for forgiveness.

🙏 Start by talking to God about it. Confession is agreeing with God that what you did was wrong. "If we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness" (1 John 1:9, NLT). Once you are forgiven by God, you need not carry the weight of guilt any further. God forgives you. You can forgive yourself.
Getting forgiveness from others will be less certain. If this misstep is a one-off, highly out of character for you, or if you seek forgiveness immediately rather than days and weeks after the fact, your loved ones may be more willing to offer forgiveness. If this most recent wrongdoing reflects a pattern, those affected will be more hesitant to forgive. The cold reality is that you may never receive forgiveness from some. You cannot insist that they forgive you and preach Bible passages that instruct the faithful to forgive. You are not on that high road. All you can do is ask from a genuine heart, and then back up your request with transformation.

3. Adopt a plan for change.

🛣 As you design a strategy for change, know that this process is deeper than empty promises, "it won't happen again" or "I'm different now." 
Outline specific steps you are going to take to deter yourself from falling off that cliff again. Who are the bad influences you are cutting out? Where are the unhelpful places you are no longer going to frequent? What positive activities are you going to add to your routine to take the place of the negative ones you are abandoning? How will you know if you have been successful? 
Remember, a plan like this is only as strong as the accountability structures that enforce it (see #4).

4. Acquire accountability.

If you have people in your life who have your best interest at heart, people whose motives are pure and who will be honest with you, you are a blessed man. As God said in Genesis 2:18 (KJV), "It is not good that the man should be alone." Find spiritual leaders and trusted friends with whom you can be transparent in a safe space. If you are married, your spouse can provide accountability on one level, but you need additional layers to it. If you have no accountability in your life, start today to acquire at least some, and then build from there.

5. Award your progress.

Celebrate your wins. If you defeated a temptation, (if appropriate) tell someone about it and thank God for giving you victory in that moment. You may want to take up the practice of journaling. Reading back through your history of victories will encourage you in future tough times. God will reward your obedience in eternity. It is tougher to break bad habits and patterns than to make them, so treat yourself as you achieve your benchmarks toward your goal. 

Becoming active in a good local church is an essential part of success in the Christian life. Journeying through this life without likeminded believers cheering you on makes things unnecessarily difficult, if not impossible. You can find the resources, friendship, and accountability you need to achieve meaningful change through partnership with a local, Christ-loving, Bible-teaching church.

Billy Shaw (MDIV, MBA) is the pastor of Town Creek Baptist Church in Leland, NC. His most recent book There Is Always Hope continues to encourage readers to overcome guilt, doubt, and despair. He is available as a seminar speaker and consultant to Christian ministries, churches, and church groups.